Many years ago, a colleague reached out to me with a problem. They shared that they were romantically attracted to someone who was married, but going through a “rough patch.” On top of that, they had met their crushes’ “very nice” spouse, were riddled with guilt, and wanted my advice. Should they tell the crush? The results of this entanglement, and similar ones that I’d come to hear about over the years, are not important to the discussion. Here’s what is…
This scenario is not a new one, and poses two questions? 1) Are crushes a bad thing we should feel guilty about? (whether we’re in a committed relationship or have a crush on someone who is?) and 2) What do we do about them?
While I am not a relationship expert, I have quite a bit of training around emotional intelligence, motivation and what makes people tick. I also have the advantage of nearing my 50th birthday in September, and having been in a happy marriage for a long time. After nearly a half-century on this planet, I’ve had plenty of time to make lots of mistakes along the way. The purpose of articles such as this one are to save others from making some of the same mistakes I did, and a lot of heartache along the way.
First, are crushes “bad?” While this goes against everything I was taught growing up (the whole “though shalt not covet” commandment and all), I would argue — No. It is hard-wired in our DNA as humans to be attracted to other people, to bond, and to reproduce…survival of the species and all. Feelings are just feelings. They are neither good nor bad, and it’s important to understand that we may have feelings but we are not our feelings. And we can have them without acting on them.
So, what do we do about them? Let’s start with the person in a committed relationship.
What to Do About a Crush When You are in a Committed Relationship
1. Recognize that It’s Normal to Feel that Way. There’s a lot more chemistry behind-the-scenes than most of us are aware of. But in general, during the beginning stages of romance, our bodies are kicking off a lot of hormones related to lust and attraction. Over time, those hormone levels change as we get used to whatever caused them to being with. But if we’re lucky, we produce oxytocin and those “cuddle hormones” that lead to attachment and bonding. You can read more about this, HERE. Therefore, recognize that your “new and shiny” attractive co-worker, neighbor or … whomever, may result in a dopamine hit, but that doesn’t mean that there’s something inherently wrong with your current relationship. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you should leave it to pursue a new one. Upwards of 74% of people have experienced a workplace crush in their lifetime.
2. Use It as an Opportunity to Bring More of What You’re Seeking into Your Current Relationship. What is it about your crush that you find attractive (aside from the surface-level)? Are they a good listener? Do they share interests with you that your current partner does not? Do they seem more patient? These are just some examples. But if you hone in on what you feel might be missing from your current relationship, talk to your partner about those needs. This doesn’t need to involve an unhealthy comparison such as, “so and so at the office is a better listener than you!” You might not even mention the crush at all (and it might be best if you didn’t). But you could open up the dialog by expressing a need to communicate more (or whatever it is), and then be open to your partner’s needs. Seek out support from a counselor if necessary. You may find that you develop a deeper relationship because of it.
3. Focus on Your Partner’s Good Qualities. Don’t fall into a trap of noticing all of the great qualities your crush has and what your partner lacks. Pretty soon, you’ll find yourself finding extra flaws that you didn’t even realize bugged you. And, since you don’t see your crush 24/7, it’s easy to imagine an idealized version of them, where, unlike your partner, they may never chew too loudly at the dinner table, snore, leave dishes in the sink without rinsing them first, etc., etc. Make a mental list of what you love about your partner, and what drew you together in the first place. And don’t forget to tell your partner, no matter how many times you’ve said it before, how much you appreciate them. Thank them for the little things that you may have started to take for granted. It could be as simple as, “thanks for doing the laundry,” or “thanks for taking the dog out when you saw I was busy.” A little gratitude and appreciation go a long way.
Should You Ever Tell Your Crush How You Feel? (Assuming Your Crush is in a Relationship)
While I can’t tell you what you should do in your life, for this I turn to the sage advice from a friend of mine. When faced with a challenge, they ask themselves, “Who does it serve?”
Do you expect the crush to suddenly abandon whomever they are with to run off with you (because you are most definitely “better” for that person)? If the only person served is you, pause before deciding. Because there’s more than just “you” in the equation. And for those asking, “But what if I have indication that my crush feels the same way?” I would strongly caution you to consider all parties involved, and once again ask yourself, “Who does it serve?” And for those using the “I can’t help how I feel,” defense? I will gently remind you that just because you have feelings, riddled with a massive mood-boosting hit of hormones, it doesn’t mean you have to act on them. Decide wisely.
